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Russia and Communism...

17 things I didn’t know about Russia and Communism, I couldn’t make it to 20…..:

1. During Soviet times even all of the buildings had to be considered equal, none could stand out and be any different from the other. Consequently each building had to be painted the same dull colour. Only recently post-Soviet times have the buildings been able to be painted with a bit of life….
2. Back in the Soviet times almost everything was rationed, people had to queue for most of everything, it was almost a joke that they say that if there was a queue you just automatically joined it despite not knowing what it was for.
3. Stalin wanted to make his mark if he hadn’t done so already, so he had many monuments built around the former USSR dedicated to him, known these days as Stalins Birthday Cake, they are pretty horrific buildings, there are seven built in Moscow and should have been eight, I have also seen others in Warsaw and Riga.
4. Russian men all look the same, particularly unattractive with vicious looking mullets with hair beginning from the brow. The characteristics of their faces are condensed to within postage stamp size, thus creating more surface area for their manes.
5. The metro systems in each of the cities when built was dedicated to the working masses of the city, they were decorated with mosaics, statues, chandeliers and marble, they were made as such as a dedication for the working people of the USSR.
6. Gypsy cars are an unauthorised mode of transport in Russia, hold your hand out, generally a knackered old Lada will pull up and drop you off where you need to be for a small fee. This is very common throughout Russia, I rode in a few in Moscow and in Yekaterinburg. Not recommended for tourists unless you have a Russian translator.
7. Some Lada’s have car alarms fitted.
8. Rasputin’s 11” penis is preserved in a St Petersburg museum, (sorry no photo!!)
9. Babushka is Russian for Granny, and it is used to describe all the Grannies that beg, sell and loot and pillage the streets of Russia, its also a term for the Russian Dolls.
10. Country ‘officials’ in Moscow drive around in big black cars typically a Mercedes or a BMW that have a flashing blue light and siren. When they are on official business they are allowed to use this light and siren to get to ‘parliament’ or wherever they need to be. However, they tend to use them just to get home faster and just when they are nipping to Papa Johns for a pizza. There were some recent local objections to this by the local Moscovites, they dressed their cars up with a blue bucket and drove around the streets taking the mick out of the ‘Officials’, it didn’t last long of course, Russia doesn’t do dissent….
11. Religion was banned during Soviet times, an underground church in Riga when found was demolished and made into a Public Toilet to mock the practice. Now that the practicing of any kind of Religion is permitted there is an increasing number of Religious followers, and more churches are being built in Russia than anywhere else each year. In England of course Churches are being converted to flats, houses or pubs…..
12. A Russian woman told me that a Russian saying is that “if a man beats you, then he loves you!” what a pile of shit….
13. All trains in Russia run on Moscow time, this is the difficult to get your head around. There are about 5 time zones throughout Russia, but ALL trains run on Moscow time rather than local time. All clocks in train stations are set also for Moscow time. I had planned to arrive in Irkutsk at 21:30 which is reasonably late, I instead landed at 02:30….
14. Russia were only able to defend against Napoleon by building cities out of wood. The idea being that when Napoleon arrived with his band of do-gooders then they would burn all of the buildings down and Napoleon would have no shelter in the harsh Russian winters. In one case in Riga a watchman got it wrong, they burnt the city down thinking that the vertically challenged Frenchie was enroute. Turns out he was mistaken. Something about ‘should’ve gone to Specsavers?”
15. Russia is still very socialist, they create job for the masses.
a. People to monitor people on escalators
b. Multiple people to look after individual streets, to sweep, paint, chip ice etc…
c. Hordes of Police, Security and Army sat idle by metal detectors, in railway stations, bus stations, shopping arcades and on the streets paying no particular attention to anything, only perhaps how they can extort money from you.
d. Russian Border Control, everybody must get a look at your passport before you pass
16. Irkutsk, Russia, although it is West of Beijing by a long way, it is actually an hour in front, you would have expected that by going east the clocks would continue to go forward, Strange Russians
17. Deodorant is extremely difficult to get in Russia, the countries population has a significant body odour problem, in Vladmir Putins manifesto for the next Presidential election, he has pledged to halt the trade embargo they currently have with Hai-Karate and Denim, “vote for Vlad, you won’t smell so bad”. Seriously though, even the women have bad body odour.

Article By David Beattie of Rounton Coffee

Posted by beatski 06:28 Archived in Russia Tagged lenin communism

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Class this one mate, funny as fuck best post yet! keep up the good work, need more photos of the locals though.

by Gaz Moz

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