A Travellerspoint blog

Dave the Deer Hunter

sunny 17 °C

Ulan Bator - Mongolia

Id arrived in Ulaanbaatar tired out, the Russian border had taken its toll and I was grateful on getting an early check in at the hostel. I was pleased to see that Jimmy Cranky, Les Dennis and Lionel Richie had followed me and were checked into the same place as me. Great, that was just f*cking great. They wanted to do a tour of the Gobi Desert and asked me to go along with them. Their mere presence was enough to trigger a mild bout of Tourette’s like spasms. The answer was no, I was busy, sorry, the Gobi will have to wait.

So checking into my hostel early was a mild consolation until I realised that the room was being evacuated. The guy in the corner was having a nasal thunder storm and had been all night apparently. People were moving out, changing rooms, anything to get out of the room, and I was just about to make it my home for the next few days. I wanted a bed to lie in and I had it, that’s all that really mattered to me at this point.
Of course soon enough the room was empty, me and the Thunderstorm in the corner were good company.

He woke up and I didn’t make an attempt to make conversation, I was still hallucinating from lack of sleep, but somehow we managed to begin speaking. This guy was called Dave, and Dave was from Kansas. This guy was on edge, and I mean really on edge. I don’t know what Kansas puts into their water but I would bet that this guy had a homemade nuclear bunker in his back yard, with 2 months’ supply of spam buried in his garden next to the nuclear moon suit and the double barrelled shot gun. I had heard that Ulaanbaatar was quite a dangerous and violent place to visit and you had to be quite careful, but I had heard that about every single city that I was visiting and I was beginning to bore of it. I was still a little bit anxious about UB, most people travelling the reverse root of the Trans-Siberian did have something quite negative to say about UB, and the message was clear about being careful. So when good old Dave woke up and started giving it to me both barrels then I decided that night that I would not leave the hostel.

‘As soon as you get out of this hostel man, those beady little eyes will be looking at you, keep on your toes man, you need to be ready for it, they’ll be on you straight away, just watch out for yourself, keep your guard up.’ His eyes stared right through mine and seemed to get bigger, he had lost some control and was raging while he was gobbing off. He was stood up at this point, his arms were throwing punches, he was cupping his fist in his other palm. He wasn’t a big guy, built like a football spectator rather than a player. He wore a baseball cap and khaki trousers. He looked like the kind of guy would decorate his caravan with his personally murdered animal skulls with dressed eyes seemingly still all alive and innocent, proud as punch, “this guy(pointing to a dead antelope), I shot straight in the ass with a Ruger 77Mk .308 caliber, I waited for two days before it dropped dead, I was stuck up in that tree for 15 days, what a great time man, great days…”

He carried on with enthusiasm… ‘Man, just where you are staying, in that bed, some Mongolian dude walked right into this hostel and took this guys laptop, right where your sat dude. Plain as day”

That was it, I was not playing out tonight.

I wanted to know more, but didn’t at the same time “And some Australian dude, big guy he was as well, yeah man, broad daylight, those bastards tried to rob him of his bag, he kicked them so this punk ran at him with a corkscrew, cut into his forearm pretty bad man, shit that cut was deep man, he had to go to China for surgery on that.”

His eyes were thumping and ready to jump out of their sockets, he was getting more animated. He was winding himself up. I was just watching this ticking time bomb and he was about to explode. Dave though, he was ready for them, he wasn’t going to take any shit from anyone.

‘And don’t get a taxi, man this fucker ripped me off, took me somewhere out in the sticks man, then tried to charge me double, I threw the money at him and I slammed that door as hard as I could man, then I Judo kicked that door man,’ he was on his feet and he went through the whole scene again. ‘you should have seen the dent in the door man, he got more than he bargained for. The guy went wild man, but hey, you need to teach these fuckers that they don’t mess with tourists ey’ I'm sorry but this guy was on his own. I was finished, but he was just getting ready for his finale.

He started on his feet…. He put his back pack on, he wanted to show me something. He had both his hands placed on top of his shoulder straps and was just beginning.

‘You know this guy, he started pointing at me, you know, like saying all kinds of crap being all aggressive, shit man so what do I do, SLAM!!!’

HE HAD A KNIFE, he had snapped it out of its holder and it was pointing at me. It was in my face in a second, I was still trembling from the last stories, where the f*ck had that come from. My eyes were rolling back into my head. The only thing I could think of was the quickest way into China…..

Maybe it was just coincidence, but when I got the courage to leave the hostel, the first person that approached me wanted money, I was 15ft from the hostel, then when I found somewhere to eat I noticed that some Mongolian ‘lady’ had walked into the restaurant, she looked like she had just been dragged through a skip, her hair in knots, her shoes with holes in…. Mindful of what I had been told I took my napkin and tried to make something dangerous out of it, all I could think of was a Seg, I could wet it with gob and throw it at her forehead, giving me an opportunity to flee. I wasn’t going to get fooled by this Mongolian, she was dangerous. As she approached I got ready to fire, a woman from the kitchen came out, there were some Mongolian words and then there were some slaps, some spitting and some harsh language. I had been in UB for 4 hours and I had I had left the hostel for the first time. Time to go back and book my ticket out of here I think……

IMG_2003.jpg
Did Dave kill this poor fellow?
IMG_2446.jpg
What about this Deadmau5, did Dave Kill this poor creature?
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He killed this fine animal and even dressed the thing up.... that guy is sick man.....
Dave, go to Kansas, do not pass Go and do not collect £200, and stay out of Mongolia

Article By David Beattie of Rounton Coffee

Posted by beatski 05:16 Archived in Mongolia Tagged deer mongolia dave hunter kansas

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