A Travellerspoint blog

December 2011

Sign 'O' the Times

Ridiculous Chinese Signs

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Sign ‘O’ the Times – China 6th November

The Chinese have given us a lot of things, Paper, Tea, Delicate Pottery, Fireworks, Water Torture, and the revered Mao, but let's not forget what China continues to give us and no its not poor quality household products or lethal toys for children, that is poor translation to English. Here is a few of the most memorable signs and interpretations that I have found whilst travelling in this godforsaken country ;-)

(Ill throw a few Japanese ones in here as well)

Father Gathering????
I really have no idea about this one....
Tick and Hot Curry????!!!
A pungent drink perhaps??

All very innocent enough, though I did see a guy wearing a t-shirt with 'Wank' written right across it.... im not sure he knew what this actually meant, and i couldnt quite get my camera out in time.....

Article By David Beattie of Rounton Coffee

Posted by beatski 19:31 Archived in China Tagged signs in english japanese bad chinese translation interpreted Comments (1)

Lost in Trasslation

overcast 18 °C
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Tokyo – Monday 5th December 2011

Okay, it is true, I can now confirm that it is absolutely true what they say about Japanese Men. Japanese men ARE indeed SMALLER than the western equivalent and I know that for absolutely certain. In this case though I am talking about their hands and fingers, but mainly fingers, oh yes their little fingers. I can say for sure that Japanese Mens’ fingers are smaller than westerners, and I can be so damn sure because I had one of them stuck right up my ass in Tokyo.

But now your saying how does he know what a western finger feels like up his ass?

My only real benchmark to the size of fingers up there has got to be limited to those unfortunete times when the toilet paper is soaking wet, or perhaps the over excited girlfriend plunges something up there in the heat of the moment, or maybe that classic game of pokey pokey bum hole. My ass has yet to be penetrated by a real western benchmark, but from that little experience I found that the Japanese Men were no Salad Fingers. So on this day, I was christened by this Mr Dr Japan, a Japanese looking man, short with jet black hair.

I had been feeling ill for a couple of days, ahhhh poor me, and so I got myself to the international hospital in Tokyo. I was heading for Thailand next and this was a chance to get seen to by someone who hadn’t bought his credentials from Khaosan Road. So I was diagnosed, given a prescription and then an given an opportune inspection of the prostate.

This is also the day when I learned where the prostate was.

When he asked me if he could inspect my prostate I pictured him cupping my balls and me giving a bit of a cough. I didn’t want to appear shy or hesitant so I pulled my pants down to my kankles in one fluid movement, still stood up. Well, I'm sure he has seen plenty of dicks before, he has been to Japanese Onsens for Christ sake, but there in front of him with his pants down his ankle was the biggest dick going..... me. “No, No, on the bed, legs up” he spoke in his Jinglish.

I hesitated but laid on the bed and lifted my knees.

Whoop, there you go….

And that is how I learned where my prostate was.

This enlightenment, this Christening don’t forget, and this decisive moment between us was ruined by Mr Dr Japan answering his mobile phone all the while his nimble finger was still fishing for the truth.

I don’t understand Japanese, but I'm pretty sure this phone call was not about the rectum of a European Vs the Japanese Variety, and i am pretty damn sure that he didnt tell that poor person what he was doing with his other hand at that precise moment in time!!

This was one ambidextrous Doctor i tell you.... He had been to Glasgow and London you know, strange the conversations you have in such awkward moments...

Blog by David Beattie of Rounton Coffee

Posted by beatski 06:01 Archived in Japan Tagged tokyo japan international hospital doctor infection prostate kidney Comments (3)

Capsule Hotel, what does it mean?

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Osaka – 26th November 2011

What is it about Japanese and their obsession with small things, small men, small women, all of them comfortable to live in spaces with not enough room to swing a cat. The country is big or at least big enough, and I don’t think it is over-populated, well not on the scale of China that I have seen. The Cities though are busy, plenty of these ‘Japanese Business Men’ that the population seem to get into a song and dance about. So finding accommodation in Japan has been tricky, at first of course I was living the high life spending money on hotels, helping to fund the cost of that heated swimming pool we never used, even the gyms and all of those idle staff and those guys who stood at a door to open it for you, blimey, what a job, and I'm probably contributing to his wages. This is one of those hazards when travelling with the wife. So after our overindulgence in Hong Kong and Tokyo I ‘recommended’ that we would find truer Japanese culture and hospitality should we move out of these vile and anonymous institutions and ‘suggested’ that we try staying in guest houses of ‘more modest value’. The truth is that I didn’t want Takashi Nobu Tukunumo, or Fred to his English friends, opening the door for me every night for me. He might as well have opened up my dusty wallet and slipped out his own wages directly. So we stayed at ‘guest houses’ and had some successes, though where I really wanted to stay was a capsule hotel, only I knew that I could not wrap this concept into any pretty language that could convince The Geordie Princess to stay in a coffin for the night. This ‘cultural experience’ would have to wait until she was on the flight back home.

So I stayed at a capsule hotel, in fact I ended up staying at two but one was only an imitation, and a poor one at that, even though it was small and cramped it was far too inferior to be called a capsule. That is of course giving capsule hotels some kind of status which would be a little contradictory. I guess though that by Japanese definition, a capsule is a small enclosed space where one occupies oneself for the evening, so in that respect they were both the same. Okay, argument over, I stayed in two!!!

For those that have never heard of a capsule then I can help, but this is limited to what I know and the procedures around staying in a capsule hotel. I'm still pretty baffled by the whole thing, and I still have more questions than answers. But first let me try to explain what a capsule actually is.

As I said before, a capsule is a small space designed to fit one person in the horizontal position, the capsule I would guess is about 1m x 1m x 2m and made from a tough plastic, there is a little ventilation system to make sure that you have enough fresh air, and preventing it from becoming a natural methane chamber. There is a thin mat where you make your bed with the clean linen provided, and then you lay down in the horizontal position. There is not a lot to do in the capsule, there is a radio that didn’t seem to work but there is a TV just hanging from the ceiling that you better mind that you don’t crack your head on. You could browse through the channels as I did, naturally, and watch what Japanese garbage was on the box, plenty of cartoons, Sumo and some censored Japanese Porn, Ok, so this may in fact be one of the first clues as to what these Capsules are here for. Once you are done with all of that Japanese Porn (headsets available at the counter so you can enjoy audio commentary in privacy) then you may wish to relax in one of the comfortable relaxation areas, watch some more porn perhaps, play on the slot machines, sit and read some of the comics in the comic book library, or as I preferred, just get naked and get in the Onsen.

So this simple procedure I learned from observing these men and then repeating the procedure for yourself, I will keep it simple:

1. Walk into the hotel
2. Take your shoes off at the door
3. Put some slippers on and walk to the shoe locker on your right hand side
4. Put your smelly (but not as smelly as Mark Rabys) shoes in the locker
5. Take the key out and hand it to the gentleman behind the front desk
6. Check into the hotel
7. You will receive a key to a locker for your belongings
8. Go to the locker room which is on your left hand side, the female locker room is downstairs
9. Open the locker and then get out the pyjamas
10. Put on the pyjamas and take a picture of yourself in the mirror….
11. Go to your capsule and then make your bed.
12. You are now set to do as your wish, enjoy an onsen, relax in the relaxation room, read a comic or watch some TV.
13. Once you are through with relaxing then go to your capsule and go to sleep
14. Check out is a nice and early 10am

So I know the procedure, and now you do too, but what I still don’t understand is why these exist, it is a strange peculiar thing that as far as I am aware only exists in Japan (maybe China as well). I still don’t understand a lot about this peculiarity, you can book the room for the night or by the hour, the minimum length being 4 hours. I am told that it is for this damn ‘Japanese Business Man’. He may miss his train or he may need to escape from the wife, me I think these are all simply euphemisms for wanting a w*nk.

Interestingly enough there was actually a female floor with capsules dedicated to the Ladies, perhaps I could have convinced wifey to spend the night here, all in the name of ‘cultural learning’. I wonder what TV channels they put on there for the ladies, can't imagine any of that Censored stuff, more likely that it is a dubbed version of Eastenders, in which case she may have enjoyed it after all.

The Relaxation Room
The One Armed Bandits
The half mast pyjamas they give you!!! what a sight....
Inside the plastic coffin
Claustrophobic??? Then go to New Zealand

Video Tour

Article By David Beattie of Rounton Coffee

Posted by beatski 09:40 Archived in Japan Tagged osaka hotel capsule Comments (0)

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